What Do You Need? (And What If You Don’t Know?)
- Oct 2
- 6 min read
Have you ever been asked, “What do you want?” or “What do you need right now?” and felt a blank wall rise inside you? Maybe your mind goes foggy, your body tenses, and all you can muster is, “I don’t know.” If so, you’re not alone.
For many of us—especially those who grew up focused on others or praised for selflessness—our own wants and needs became buried. Maybe you learned it was safer to stay quiet, to avoid conflict, or to never “ask for too much.” Over time, you may have lost touch with what you even like, let alone what you truly need.
Why Don’t We Know What We Need?
Integrated Attachment Theory (IAT) teaches that our needs are not only valid—they are essential. But when we’ve spent years (or decades) minimizing them, our inner compass gets rusty. Sometimes, we disconnect from our needs as a form of self-protection, especially if expressing them once led to criticism, guilt, or rejection. Sometimes, we simply never had a model for healthy self-inquiry.
When you’re not used to tuning in, the question “What do you need?” can feel like a foreign language. But learning to recognize and honor your needs is the foundation for knowing yourself—and for healthy, nourishing relationships with others.
The Tree of Your Needs
Imagine your needs as a great, living tree.
At the roots and sturdy trunk are your basic human needs—certainty, variety, love & connection, growth, significance, and contribution. These are the foundation and support for everything above ground. When these needs are well-fed, your entire life has the potential to grow strong, stable, and resilient.
Growing out from the trunk are the main branches: your unique personality-driven needs. These big limbs represent the ways your life takes shape—creativity, emotional security, approval, control, adventure, personal growth. The branches reach for sunlight in their own directions, expressing your individual path, gifts, and wounds. They’re nourished by the deep support of the trunk and roots, but also give shape and character to your tree—no two sets of branches are exactly alike.
From each main branch sprout countless smaller branches and twigs: these are your tertiary, moment-to-moment needs. The little adjustments you make throughout the day—reaching for comfort, seeking a breath of fresh air, texting a friend when you feel lonely, grabbing a cup of tea when you need warmth—are the tiny offshoots that respond to your environment. Each small branch both feeds from and supports the larger ones, and in turn, the entire tree.
Every part is connected: A strong root system supports the trunk and branches. Healthy branches (personality needs) reach wider and higher when the roots (basic needs) are nourished. The smallest twigs and leaves (moment-to-moment needs) play their part, too—catching the sunlight and moisture that keep the whole tree alive.
This is why I use the imagery of the tree in my coaching work. When we learn to understand and honor every level of our own tree—roots, trunk, branches, and even the smallest twigs—we finally give ourselves the chance to develop the solid roots we need to grow, heal, and flourish. It’s not just about “fixing the leaves”—it’s about tending to the whole tree, from the underground root system to the canopy that stretches toward possibility.
When you begin to honor your needs at every level, you give yourself permission to grow, weather life’s storms, and stand tall in your own unique beauty and strength.
Understanding Human Needs: The Universal, The Personal, and the Everyday
The 6 Basic Human Needs
Every person, no matter their story, is driven by a set of universal needs—fundamental motivators that shape every choice. When you understand these, you start to recognize what you’re truly seeking, and why certain things satisfy (or deplete) you:
Certainty (Safety & Security): The need to feel safe, grounded, and know what to expect. It’s routines, financial security, or knowing a loved one “has your back.”
Uncertainty / Variety (Adventure & Novelty): The need for change, surprise, adventure, or new experiences. This keeps life interesting—whether through travel, new projects, or playful spontaneity.
Love & Connection: The need to feel bonded, seen, and valued by others—friendship, intimacy, or belonging.
Growth: The need to evolve, stretch, and learn—whether personally, professionally, or spiritually.
Significance: The desire to matter, feel important, or be recognized—through achievement, expertise, or even helping others.
Contribution: The urge to give back, make a difference, or be part of something greater than yourself.
We all share these needs, but their order and intensity shift from person to person (and across different seasons of life).
Personality & Individual Needs
Alongside these basics, you have needs shaped by your unique personality, experiences, and wounds (here's a few examples with many more involved):
Security: Wanting reassurance, consistency, craving safety, a stable home, or reliable income.
Personal Growth: Seeking new insights, self-improvement, or spiritual expansion (my big one, hence my career!).
Creativity: Needing to express, make, or dream up new things.
Control: Wanting agency, choice, or order in your life.
Approval: Longing for validation, praise, or acceptance.
These personality-driven needs can fuel your choices and patterns—sometimes running in the background, influencing your relationships, career, or self-talk without you realizing it. When they’re unmet or unrecognized, they can lead to frustration, resentment, or burnout. When acknowledged and honored, they become powerful guides for authentic living.
Tertiary / Moment-to-Moment Needs
Finally, there are the small, immediate needs your nervous system seeks to regulate and soothe itself in the moment:
After a stressful day, you crave comfort food, a hot shower, or your comfiest clothes.
When overwhelmed, you might retreat for a few quiet minutes or reach for a mindless TV show.
In moments of excitement, you seek celebration, laughter, or sharing with a friend.
These aren’t “bad habits”—they’re signals from your body, asking for grounding, comfort, or a sense of okay-ness right now. Paying attention to these can reveal what helps you feel safe, cared for, or recharged.
How Do You Start Discovering Your Needs?
Learning to recognize your own needs is an act of profound self-love—and it’s a process. Here’s how you can begin:
1. Notice Where You’re Numb: When someone asks what you need, pause. Notice if you feel blank, anxious, or instantly focus on someone else. This is a clue that your own needs have gone unpracticed—not that they don’t exist.
2. Practice Gentle Check-Ins: Throughout the day, ask yourself:
Am I tired or energized?
Do I feel hungry, tense, content, or sad?
What sounds comforting or exciting right now? Jot down your answers, even if they seem trivial. This builds the muscle of self-attunement.
3. Allow Yourself to Want: It’s okay to have needs and wants. Remind yourself: My needs are valid. My wants are worthy of attention.
4. Get Curious About Your Patterns: Where do you consistently ignore your needs? At work, in relationships, or at home? Notice the “autopilot” moments—what are you unconsciously reaching for or avoiding?
5. Practice Sharing with Safe People: Try communicating a need, even if it feels awkward:
“I actually need some time to myself tonight.”
“Would you be willing to help me with this?” This builds confidence and opens the door to deeper connection.
The Magic of Naming Your Needs
Here’s the beautiful part: Naming your needs brings your life into focus. Instead of running on autopilot or being swept up in old patterns, you begin to understand why you feel what you feel and what truly matters to you.
You start to:
Make choices that align with your deepest values and desires
Communicate with more clarity and confidence
Receive care, support, and love—without guilt or shame
Feel more empowered, alive, and in control of your life
This isn’t about becoming selfish. It’s about coming home to yourself and showing up with more honesty and fullness in every relationship—including the one you have with yourself.
Ready to Explore Your Needs?
In my coaching sessions and group experiences, we dig deep into these layers—exploring your universal and personal needs, uncovering what’s been missing, and helping you step into greater clarity, intention, and joy. You deserve to know yourself this deeply.
So next time someone asks, “What do you need?” let it be an invitation—not a test. Even if you don’t have the answer yet, every moment of curiosity brings you closer to yourself.
With you in the messy middle,
Sarah
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