Are You Living by Your Values or by Default?

There’s a strange comfort in routine—a certain safety in letting the days blur together, each one shaped more by habit than by intention. But at some point, you might find yourself pausing and wondering, Whose life am I living? Is this really what matters to me, or just what I’ve always done?

Most of us inherit our “values” by osmosis. They seep in from family, culture, religion, school, social media. We absorb rules about what’s good, what’s worthy, what’s acceptable, often before we’re old enough to question if those things are truly ours. Be responsible. Work hard. Don’t rock the boat. Fit in. Be generous, but not too much. Be strong, but never needy. Sometimes these values serve us. Other times, they become invisible walls, quietly directing our choices without our conscious consent.

And so we end up living by default—going along to get along, moving through life on autopilot, saying yes when we mean no, measuring our worth by someone else’s yardstick. We wonder why we feel restless, disconnected, vaguely resentful, or like something is missing, even when everything “looks good on paper.”

But here’s the quiet rebellion: You get to choose what matters to you. You get to name your own values, not just repeat the script handed down to you. Living by your values is an act of self-honoring—a declaration that your life is yours to shape, even if it means disappointing others, making hard choices, or stepping into the unknown.

So, how do you get clear on what your true values are?

Start by noticing when you feel most alive, most grounded, most yourself. What are you doing in those moments? Who are you with? What qualities are present—honesty, creativity, adventure, connection, solitude, service? Then notice the opposite: when do you feel drained, resentful, out of alignment? What’s missing in those moments? Sometimes the absence of a value is the clearest clue to its importance.

Write them down. Don’t worry if they’re messy or overlap. Narrow it down to your top five—the non-negotiables, the pillars of who you are and what you stand for. Maybe it’s freedom, truth, kindness, growth, integrity, joy, family, learning, presence, beauty. There are no right answers.

Now comes the harder part: aligning your actions with your values. It’s one thing to know what matters; it’s another to live it, day after day, in a world that doesn’t always make it easy.

Ask yourself: Where in my life am I honoring my values? Where am I betraying them for approval, convenience, or habit? What’s one small way I can bring my actions into closer alignment with what I say matters most?

Maybe it’s saying no when you mean no, even if it feels awkward. Maybe it’s carving out time for creativity or movement, even when you’re busy. Maybe it’s being honest with yourself about a relationship or a job that’s outgrown its place in your life.

You don’t have to get it perfect. Living by your values is a practice, not a finish line. Some days you’ll slip back into old patterns; other days, you’ll make a new choice and feel the ground shift beneath you. The more you honor what’s true for you, the more your life begins to feel like yours—rooted, meaningful, and real.

You deserve to live by intention, not default. You deserve a life that reflects your deepest truths, not just your oldest patterns.

So ask yourself, gently and honestly: Am I living by my values, or just by habit? What would change if I chose differently, starting now?

With you in the messy middle,

Sarah