The Mirror We Hold: Judging Others and Finding Ourselves

How often do you catch yourself judging someone else—maybe a family member, a friend, a stranger in the checkout line? If you’re like most of us, it happens more than you’d care to admit. Judging is one of those deeply human things we do, sometimes almost on autopilot. But what if, instead of simply accepting our judgments at face value, we used them as doorways into deeper self-awareness?

In the quiet embrace of dusk, a tranquil lake mirrors the silhouettes of towering trees, inviting contemplation on how we reflect and connect with those around us.

The Mirror Effect

There’s a powerful concept in psychology and personal growth called “mirroring.” At its core, it means the things that bother us most about others are often reflections of something within ourselves—qualities we possess but haven’t accepted, wounds we haven’t healed, or lessons we haven’t learned. Sometimes the mirroring is direct (we dislike what we don’t want to see in ourselves). Other times it’s more subtle: we judge a behavior in someone else because it reminds us of a struggle we face, or even an unmet longing within.

How This Looks In Real Life

• Judging Bodies: If you find yourself judging someone else’s body—maybe you catch yourself thinking, “She shouldn’t wear that,” or “He needs to take better care of himself”—pause and notice where you also judge your own body. Are you harsh about your appearance in the mirror? Do you hold yourself to impossible standards, or feel shame about parts of yourself you wish were different? Sometimes, our outward criticism is a reflection of the inner dialogue we’re carrying, often unconsciously.

• Judging Mindsets: Perhaps you’re quick to call someone “negative” or “stuck in a rut,” and their pessimism grates on you. Take a closer look: where in your own life do you allow yourself to spiral into negativity? Are there areas where you keep your own mindset small or fixed, convincing yourself things will never change? Sometimes, what we resist most in others is exactly what we need to see—and heal—within ourselves.

• Judging Lifestyle Choices: Maybe you’re silently critical of a friend who “never seems to get their act together,” always running late or living in chaos. Ask yourself: where do you also feel disorganized or behind? Is there a part of your life that feels out of control, even if you keep it well-hidden? Often, our triggers are breadcrumbs leading back to our own vulnerabilities.

  
  

Taking a Pause

Instead of rushing past judgment or trying to push it away with shame or guilt, what if you simply paused? Take a breath. Allow yourself a moment of honest curiosity.

Who is one person you find yourself judging lately? What is it about them that triggers you? Is it their messiness, their pride, their anger, their lack of ambition, their neediness, their coldness?

Now, gently ask yourself:

• Where does this trait or struggle exist in my own life, even in a different form or degree?

• When have I acted from this same energy, even if it looked different?

• What does my reaction reveal about my own wounds or unmet needs?

  
  

The Gift in the Reflection

This isn’t about excusing harmful behavior or pretending we don’t have preferences or boundaries. It’s about recognizing the profound wisdom in every moment of judgment. Each time we feel triggered, irritated, or superior, we’re being handed a mirror—a chance to meet ourselves more honestly.

Sometimes you’ll discover a trait you share but dislike, a pain you haven’t healed, or a longing you haven’t honored. Sometimes you’ll simply develop more compassion, for yourself and for the other person. Either way, the practice is the same: pause, reflect, and allow the mirror to do its sacred work.

Next time you catch yourself judging, remember: the world is always inviting you to know yourself more deeply.

With you in the messy middle,

Sarah