Understanding Attachment Styles: The Patterns That Shape Our Relationships
- Oct 1
- 4 min read
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same patterns in relationships—feeling too much, too little, too close, or too far away? Do you wonder why it’s so hard to ask for what you need, or why you react so strongly when things get rocky with loved ones? If so, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. These patterns are often rooted in your attachment style: a blueprint for connection and protection that starts in childhood but echoes through your adult life.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles describe the ways we relate to others—especially in close relationships. They’re shaped by our early experiences with caregivers and the strategies we learned to get our needs met (or to protect ourselves when they weren’t).
Your attachment style is really a set of subconscious beliefs about love and connection—stories your nervous system wrote long before you realized you were telling them.
Integrated Attachment Theory (IAT), as taught by Thais Gibson and The Personal Development School, takes this classic framework and blends it with trauma healing, core wounds, needs, beliefs, and subconscious programming. The goal isn’t just to “find your label,” but to become aware of your patterns, bring compassion to your story, and gently move toward more secure, fulfilling relationships.
The Four Main Attachment Styles (Integrated Attachment Theory)
1. Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They can express their needs, set healthy boundaries, offer support, and receive love without fear or shame.
Childhood roots: Consistent, attuned, and responsive caregiving.
In adulthood: Securely attached people trust easily, communicate openly, bounce back from setbacks, and tend to choose relationships where both people feel safe and respected.
Growth Opportunity: Most of us weren’t raised with 100% secure attachment, but anyone can become more secure with conscious healing and new experiences.
2. Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
Anxious Preoccupied individuals have a deep craving for closeness, love, and reassurance, but struggle with fears of abandonment or being “too much.”
Childhood roots: Caregivers were often inconsistent—sometimes present and loving, other times distracted, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable.
In adulthood: You may notice yourself overanalyzing texts, seeking reassurance, feeling anxious when your partner pulls away, or putting others’ needs before your own. You might struggle to trust that you’re loved unless you have constant proof and feel heightened distress at perceived signs of distance or rejection.
Core wounds: Fear of abandonment, feeling not good enough, or unworthy of love.
Growth Opportunity: Learning to soothe your own anxiety, honor your needs, and trust that you are enough just as you are.
Core subconscious beliefs: “Love is unpredictable.” “I must earn closeness.” “If I’m not vigilant, I’ll be left behind.”
3. Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
Dismissive Avoidant folks value independence and self-sufficiency above all else. Intimacy can feel overwhelming, suffocating, or simply not as important as personal freedom.
Childhood roots: Caregivers may have been emotionally distant, encouraged self-reliance, or minimized emotional needs (“You’re fine, don’t cry”).
In adulthood: You might notice yourself pulling away when things get close, downplaying your own feelings, or keeping partners at arm’s length. You might avoid deep conversations, struggle to express vulnerability, and feel uneasy when others depend on you emotionally.
Core wounds: Fear of being controlled, fear of vulnerability, belief that needs aren’t safe or will go unmet.
Growth Opportunity: Allowing yourself to need others, express feelings, and let people into your inner world.
Core subconscious beliefs: “Love means losing myself.” “It’s safer not to need anyone.” “Vulnerability is dangerous.”
4. Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
Fearful Avoidant (also called Disorganized) individuals experience a powerful push-pull dynamic: longing for love and closeness but equally fearing it.
Childhood roots: Early environments were often chaotic, unpredictable, or unsafe- caregivers may have been sources of both comfort and fear.
In adulthood: You might crave intimacy and connection, but panic and withdraw as soon as it starts to feel real. Emotional triggers can send you into “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” responses. Relationships can feel like a minefield: you want to trust, but the urge to protect yourself takes over.
Core wounds: Fear of betrayal, fear of rejection, confusion about what is safe or who can be trusted.
Growth Opportunity: Building safety within, learning to regulate emotions, and creating relationships where it’s okay to be both vulnerable and protected.
Core subconscious beliefs: “Love is dangerous and unpredictable.” “I can’t trust myself or others.” “Getting close means getting hurt.”
The Deeper Layers: Core Wounds, Needs & Reprogramming
Integrated Attachment Theory, as developed by Thais Gibson, dives into more than just “what style am I?” It helps you explore:
Core wounds: Deep-seated beliefs (like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll always be left behind”) that drive our triggers and emotional reactions.
Core needs: What your attachment system most deeply craves (safety, validation, connection, autonomy, etc.), which often go unmet or are misunderstood in childhood.
Protective strategies: The ways you cope when wounded (people-pleasing, over-giving, withdrawing, shutting down, etc.).
Your attachment style is your unique map of what feels safe or risky in love and connection, written by your earliest experiences—and it can be rewritten.
IAT teaches that these styles are not fixed—they are adaptations. Your nervous system is always trying to protect you, even if the strategies no longer serve you as an adult. The magic is, with awareness and new experiences, you can rewire your patterns toward greater security, self-worth, and fulfillment.
Why Does This Matter?
Understanding your attachment style is more than a label—it’s a key to your emotional world. It gives you insight into:
Why you react so strongly to certain situations or people
What you need to feel safe, seen, and loved
How to heal old wounds and stop repeating painful cycles
How to build relationships that feel nourishing, balanced, and real
When you see your patterns clearly, you open the door to compassion—for yourself, your loved ones, and even your past. You realize you’re not “too much” or “too needy” or “too distant”—you’re a human with a story. And you have the power to write new chapters.
Want to Learn More or Do the Work?
If you’re curious about your own patterns, want to explore Integrated Attachment Theory in a supportive space, or are ready to break free from old cycles, coaching can help. You don’t have to figure it out alone—healing is possible, and more secure, connected relationships are within reach.
With you in the messy middle,
Sarah
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