Attachment Styles: How We Love, Run, and Sabotage

The silhouette of a parent and child reaching out to each other at sunset, highlighting the profound impact of early childhood bonding on future relationships.

If you’ve ever wondered why your relationships feel like emotional rollercoasters—why you chase, pull away, get anxious, or freeze up—it’s not just “bad luck” or “just how you are.” So much of the way we love (and struggle to love) comes down to something called attachment styles.

At their core, attachment styles are the emotional blueprints we develop early in life, shaped by our first caregivers. These blueprints become our default settings for connection, safety, and intimacy. There are four main styles: Secure, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant, and the wild card combo—Fearful Avoidant.

Secure: Grew up with enough safety and responsiveness to believe relationships are mostly safe, loveable, and worth the risk. They can give and receive love without needing to grip tightly or run away at the first sign of trouble. (If this is you, congrats—hold on to that gold.) They are able to prioritize their own needs and set healthy boundaries, while still maintaining close, trusting relationships built on mutual respect and open communication. They approach conflict with openness and curiosity, addressing issues directly while remaining calm, empathetic, and solution-focused.

Anxious Preoccupied: Learned that love was inconsistent or conditional. They’re hyper-attuned to signs of rejection or abandonment. When relationships feel shaky, they double-down, chase, and over-give, often losing themselves in the process. They long for constant reassurance and closeness—sometimes to the point of overwhelming their partner—and often experience significant emotional distress when their bids for connection are met with distance or withdrawal.

Dismissive Avoidant: Got the message that needs were a liability or that independence was the only safe option. When things get too close, they pull away or shut down, fiercely protecting their space—even if it means missing out on connection. They are deeply conflict-avoidant, often sidestepping genuine vulnerability by focusing on flaws in others or withdrawing emotionally whenever closeness feels threatening.

Fearful Avoidant: They are the human equivalent of “come here, go away.” They crave intimacy but don’t trust it, want closeness but expect chaos, and can feel stuck in a tug-of-war between desire and fear. There’s often an almost intuitive sense for dishonesty—like being a human lie detector—and once trust is broken, rebuilding it can feel nearly impossible, requiring patience, consistency, and genuine repair to restore a sense of safety.

None of these styles are your fault—they’re survival strategies born out of your earliest experiences. But here’s the good news: attachment styles aren’t life sentences. With awareness, support, and a whole lot of self-compassion, you can start to change the dance. Healing means learning to notice your patterns, speak your needs, set boundaries, and practice staying present when old fears flare up.

The work is messy, but worth it. Because at the end of the day, healthy love isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, flaws and all, and trusting that you are worthy of love just as you are.

With you in the messy middle,

Sarah